The Newest ME ME MEME

          

1: When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last?

Always vanilla as a kid but lately I like to have a bit of each to swirl around together.

2: Would you rather be caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella or a snowstorm without boots?

I can handle getting wet. I can run to shelter in the rain. Without boots in a snowstorm, however, I am most likely to freeze my feet so badly that I wouldn't be able to walk. Then you fall in the snow, get hypothermia and just fade away with a pleasant dream as you fall asleep - never to wake again. I have heard that the process of freezing to death is so much easier a death than say drowning. Freezing reminds me too much of the story of the Little Match Girl which is the worst, most sad Christmas story EVER. Damn you Hans Christian Anderson.

3. Let's say you have access to a time machine, but it can only go either backward or forward. One or the other. Which do you choose and where do you go?

As a student of History I would love to visit past events like the Birth of Jesus to see if they really happened the way the myths say it happened. Maybe take a tape recorder with me to get Jesus to tell me himself what he thought of homosexuals, the disabled, the poor and the downtrodden. I think many of the so-called Christians in this world need to hear the truth right from the mouth of the Messiah.

However, seeing the future would be too much of a temptation to resist. Can I bring back technology from the future? If so I would use that technology to force the world to get along, if they wanted some of their most pressing problems of poverty, hunger, lack of education or medical science to be solved by my future gear and knowledge.  I would also give them the information for free to all so that no corporation could make obscene profits selling my future tech/knowledge to the ignorant masses.

4: If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick?

For me it begins and end with the power to move through time. Or I would like the powers of the Resurrection Man - he gains a new deadly superpower each time he comes back to life after being killed. He can't be destroyed and only become more powerful the more times you kill him.

5: Tomorrow morning, you wake up in the body of a celebrity, like in a '90s body-swap movie. Who is it? How do they react to your life? What do you do when you're "them"? Would you choose to switch back?

What a great question. I would trade with Tom Cruise in a minute just so I could go into the offices of Scientology and really fuck with their heads. I would go from their biggest supporter and fan to someone who viciously destroys the entire organization from deep inside the cult. I would literally burn everything Scientology related to the ground. Then I would release all their secrets to the world in one massive Wiki leaks memo.

After I had done all that (and maybe a few more pranks) I would let him comeback to find his life in ruins and he being on the run from underground Scientology death squads. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

But then maybe I would be the Idiot Bieber. I could make out with Selena for awhile then take myself down to the nearest biker bar with a shirt that reads - 'Bikers Are Fags' and let nature take it's course. Just before the first boot to the head would be thrown I would quickly switch back and enjoy the story in tomorrow's paper.

6: Any allergies?

Camel hair of all things. Stupid camels always had it out for me. And riding one to the Rock City of Petra in Jordan while sneezing my face off took away somewhat from the magic of that moment. There were no pharmacists to sell me Benydryll in the middle of the desert so I just had to suffer. On the way back to the hotel someone offered to switch a horse for a my camel so I could enjoy the ride home without a snotty runny nose.

7: What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers?

It depends on what Disney character is on the adult diapers. I hope they are 'pull-up' and 'cruisers' because I am a toddler on the go and I need the flexibility that a motion diaper provides.

8: Did you get enough sleep last night?

Ever since I got my Bain-like breathing machine to treat my sleep apnea, my sleeping has gone from below poor to almost normal. I would wake up over 25 times an hour because my breathing would stop and my heart would have to work extra hard to re-start the breathing cycle. With that kind of handicap there was no way I was going to ever get a good night of deep REM sleep. I also used to toss and turn and the bed ended up looking a battle had taken place there. Now my covers barely are touched. I actually look forward to sleep for the first time in decades because it's not a chore to FALL asleep and stay asleep.

           

9: You're the sole witness to a Mafia murder. Witness protection has to set you up with a whole new life in a totally new country. You have to leave everything behind, but you can pick where you move to. Where do you go?

These mafia guys have some pretty long arms and the influence to find  a person if they were really motivated. I would therefor have no problem going to the last place on Earth that they would expect to find me or even dare to try to search for me. I speak of course about Antarctica. Give me a little room in the scientific research station with Internet access and I can live quite comfortably by myself. Just have me record some temperatures and other atmospheric readings to justify my value to the station and that's that.

I could also live like Sam Rockwell in the movie MOON. Just myself and the Admiral maintaining a lunar space station. Again, all I need are a computer, some diet Pepsi and my kitty. The Admiral will love floating around in zero gs.

10: If you could star in a biopic about any famous person ever, who would it be?

I could only play myself in the movie that SHOULD be made...if Hollywood wasn't always trying to keep a brother down.

11: What's the biggest animal you've ever killed? Bugs count.

I have killed nothing bigger than a trout. Unless you count those 22 soviet agents in Salzburg that I killed during the Cold War. One of them's codename was 'The Trout' so I think it counts.

12: Would you rather have millions of dollars but always feel nauseous when you go outside, or be dirt poor forever but never get sick again in your life?

You obviously don't know me. I would take a tenth of that money to never leave my house. I could get everything delivered including air. Why do I have to go outside? What is there for me in the real world? Delays, frustrations, stupid people, more stupid people and deli.

13: A wizard offers you immortality in exchange for your two front teeth. Do you take it?

Of course. Who do I have to impress?

14: Could you win the Hunger Games?

Let's just say that I suspect I would be remarkably and impressively difficult to kill. So much so that everyone will regret even attempting it.

15: What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid? How about as a teen/adult?

I was Luke Skywalker the summer after Star Wars. Had a kickass costume AND a light sabre. Then Wendy Hutchinson danced with me. Very cool. As an adult, I was a pretty realistic pirate once.

16: Do you bite your nails?

I have to. They taste like cherry lip gloss.

17: What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

The animated classic - The Aristocats

18: Do you prefer music with male or female vocalists?

More female than male I think. Though Freddy Mercury is my favorite singer in music.

19: You and the love of your life are having a baby, and you get to choose the name! There's only one catch: your partner INSISTS that it be the name of a place, real or fictional. What do you name your baby?

Caladan - from Dune

Lexington - from the street in New York
Petra - in Jordan

20: If you could reboot or remake any movie, what would it be and who would you cast?

A remake always seems to cheapen the original so I find it hard to recast a movie when I already know what the characters sound and look like. Some movies just can't be remade. Total Recall and the upcoming Robocop spring to mind as examples.

21: If you could automatically know how to speak any language or play any instrument, which would you choose?

The language thing. I would have a Skype buddy in every country.

22: For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing?

No. It would haunt me to lose my memories.

23: If you curse loudly and then realize that there are children nearby, what is your reaction?

I act like I am a retard. I do the same thing when I am in Costco and they won't give me anymore free samples.

24: Of what animal are you most afraid?

Creatures with tentacles that live in the sea. Live in the sea around all the UFOs. Live in the sea and plan our future destruction.     

25: Pizza or oral sex?

Sadly Pizza is less of an effort with more of a payoff.

26: Without looking them up, can you explain the rules of football? How about Quidditch? What do you think that says about you?

I know the rules to lots of games. How can you bend and manipulate them to my advantage without that knowledge? Who is asking these questions anyways?

27: You're in the car, switching channels on the radio when you hear a song that makes you go "OH SHIT, THAT'S MY JAM!" What song is it?

"Hey Now" by Outcast

28: Have you ever paid to see a Step Up movie? If not, how much would someone have to pay YOU to see a Step Up movie?

Unless the worlds ELECTRIC and BOOGALOO are in the title then I have no interest in your little dance movie.

29: If you were being executed tonight, what would you choose for your last meal?

Lobster with a nice steak and some grilled lemon shrimp. KFC, Lemon Merange pie and a 2 little Cherry Pepsi.

30: Have you ever bought an item of clothing because it reminded you of something a fictional character would wear?

Yes, a winter hat made from synthetic fur that make me look like a true Arctic Explorer. It was one of those hats that were very warm and showed everyone that you didn't give a fuck about what you looked like as long as your head didn't freeze shut.

31: If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

Abuse the ability in many sick and perverse ways. I would eat cherry pie without my pants on.

32: Have you ever been punched in the face?

No, because I can float like a butterfly.

33: How do you take your ramen noodles?

As spicy as it can get. Love those Kimchi noodle bowls.

34: Do you ever rehearse or plan conversations before you actually have them?

I have but only to put me in the right headspace for the conversation or confrontation. It's all a performance.

35: How much black do you wear on a regular basis (not counting funerals)?

The only black on me comes from my cold, dead heart.

37: If someone offered you a free pet snake, would you take it? It's not dangerous or really big or anything. They're just moving to a place that doesn't allow pets.

Snakes do nothing but sit there and freak me out with their cold blooded judgements. So my answer is no.

38: Do you know how to pronounce the word "pinochle"?

There are many pronounciations.

39: Can you think of anything more boring than birdwatching?

Waiting in line to birdwatch.

40: Are you better with numbers or words?

Words, baby.

41: At the movies, do you stay for the credits?

Never

42: Is morality universal or relative?

Situational

43: Let's say you're getting married to someone you absolutely adore. The only catch is that you met them through a Craigslist hookup ad that was supposed to be just for one night of casual sex. Would you tell your friends how you and your fiance met?

People don't need to know details like that. And I am sure that together, her and I could weave a more interesting and fantastical tale about how we we meant to be and how our first meeting was kismet.

44: What's the worst name you've ever been called?

Being called something I am (like bald and fat) doesn't bother because those are true. Congratulations numnut, you made an observation. But for someone to say I was not a funny guy, I didn't know how to make a joke or make people laugh. THAT was the worst thing I was ever called. But he was wrong and I hear a Polar Bear ate him when he was photographing them in Churchill Manitoba. I choose to believe that story.

45: Would you eat human flesh if it had been harvested and prepared humanely? (Say, from someone brain-dead who had marked him or herself down as an organ donor - same difference, right?)

Soylent Green is people! I have been eating the pink slime that the fast food industry uses for years. I see how food from McDonalds' never rots no matter how long you keep it in the bag. Frankly, they could mix in some of Larry the Hobo in the ground chuck and I would notice no change in the flavor of my chili.

46: At what age did you stop believing in Santa? Alternately, if you never believed in Santa, did you ever ruin Santa for anyone else?

Santa is a diabetic thug who exploits Norther Elf labor to maintain his grip on the holiday image market. He got away with it because the children were bribed with the toys every year to look the other way. I have no idea why no one shuts down this operation that torments us all the month of December.

Then at the end of those glorious 30 days, we have the worst party anyone remembers to celebrate the New Year. As you can see I have issues with the holidays. Never believed in Santa. Like Noah, the story made no fucking sense. Flying Reindeer and a fat guy fitting through a tiny chimney. The physics just didn't work out on paper.

47: Do you get along better with old people or little kids?

I get alone with everyone. It's my gift to get people to tell me about themselves and everyone loves to do that. It's a practiced social technique that is effective and doesn't make me look like a goof just standing around. I can ask my way out of any situation. My students always liked me.
 

48: If you had to choose, would you rather become a nun/monk or a drug dealer?

Couldn't I be a zen Buddhist type of drug dealer.

49: What's your best bodily feature, objectively speaking?

My dreamy blue eyes - which I wish could could blue within blue like the Fremen on Arakis. I also have the legs of a god. No really. A GOD. 

50: Who is your favorite late night talk show host?

David Letterman - hands down